ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize