mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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