I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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