I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
