Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
