i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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