Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
