He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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