She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
