Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
