i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Every concussion has its silver lining
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
