Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
