No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
