Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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