you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
