I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
