A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
