No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize