I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
