when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize