Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize