I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
