Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
