i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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