i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
