There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
