If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
