dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I licked your asshole in confidence.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
