Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
