I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
