I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
