I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
