After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
