My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
