Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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