woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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