im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
