Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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