I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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