i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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