Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
