Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
