I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
