whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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