glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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