Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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