from now on my penis is your penis
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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