YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
