new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My pussy is not your playground.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
