We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
