Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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