i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
