i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
