You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
