the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
