So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
