I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
