Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize