you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
