Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
