quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
